Things are not going according to plan

Sorry for being so quite recently. We have just run into a bit of a stumbling block and I’m still trying to get over it.

Everything in my pregnancy has been going wonderfully. My nausea and fatigue have been escalating, but that’s all normal and to be expected I have been told. Last week past in a bit of a blur. I was really busy at work and feeling more than a little zombie-esque, but ultimately happy.

I was supposed to have my first scan on Friday, but my doctor postponed to Monday. The morning did not to get off to the greatest start, but I was still excited to see my baby on the monitor and talk to the doctor.

Hubby and I excitedly arrived at the hospital eager to meet the doctor and get a better handle on what is going on inside my body. She is a wonderful woman and I liked her right off the bat. She asked me all the routine questions about family healthy, my health, how I’ve been doing up until now and more.

She checked my blood work and saw my HcG levels were really high and asked me if there were twins in my family – we have a lot of twins and I have had this feeling that there may be two babies in here *pats tummy*.

I then had to get undressed, lie on the table and have the physical exam done. Then we finally, finally got to the scan.

The black screen took on a whitish cast and there in the centre was a little bean with a strong beating heart. It was one of the most amazing moments of my life. Only one bean though and a very concerned looking doctor. That’s when I realised that something wasn’t right.

To cut a long story short there may be something wrong with the baby. My gestational sac is measuring twice the size of the baby (10 weeks and one day compared to six weeks and six days.) Also there is a black “bubble” (doctor’s words) at the back of the baby behind the heart. These factors along with the high HcG levels could indicate a chromosomal problem – most likely Down Syndrome or Turner’s Syndrome.

The doctor even mentioned the word termination – how awful is that word. I can’t bear it.

It’s still surreal. I keep thinking how can this possible be happening to me? I’m young, I’m healthy, I have no history of this and neither does my husband. It’s so out of left field. The only solution that makes sense to me is either this so vanishing twin syndrome and the other baby has disappeared which is why the sac is large and my HcG levels high, or that the other baby is in there hiding and we just didn’t see it. I have seen on different forums that this is possible.

There is also the remote possibility that this could be a developmental anomaly and that it will resolve itself, but the doctor didn’t look to optimistic.

So there is basically nothing we can do except wait for our next appointment, which is 9 July. We will then be seen by a specialist in chromosomal abnormalities.

Needless to say I have cried a lot. I’m pretty sure before all this is over I will cry a whole lot more. I can’t actually fathom that this is the situation I find myself in. I don’t want to be self-indulgent and all ‘woe-is-me’ but it really hurts that other, older people are having perfectly healthy babies and I seem to be unable to. I’m terrified that if this does end in termination then will I ever be able to conceive a healthy child? If this happened once what is the likelihood of it happening again?

I’m finding it incredibly hard to find and hold onto some optimism at the moment.


4 thoughts on “Things are not going according to plan

  1. lilkrys says:

    I hope you are staying strong, that is really difficult news to get. I hope and pray your baby will be okay. Keep positive because being upset or crying all the time isn’t good for your pregnancy. Just know that there is a heart beat and something to look forward to. ❤

  2. kelseyecho says:

    I know how hard it is to hear those words, really I do. But trust me when I tell you that if you stay positive, hold onto whatever shred of hope you can find, carrying a baby that doctors suggested “termination” is an amazing experience. It’s scary, yes, the most terrifying time of your life, but it’s SO worth it. Ruby is suspected of having a “lethal” skeletal dysplasia, we found out at 19 weeks and were urged to terminate or face a preterm or still born, she is still going strong at 31+2 weeks. Do what your heart tells you Momma, you can’t go wrong.

    • kierrynh says:

      Thank you so much for the kind words. I really appreciate it. I always get one of these comments at a time that I really need a pickme up. Isn’t it amazing how that works! This comment was just what I needed to hear this morning.
      I am sorry to hear you are also dealing with bad news and having a rough time. It is really encouraging to hear that your baby is still doing well at this point in your pregnancy. I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers that things will continue going well!

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